version 26 Underworld EVOLUTION

November 23, 2006 Thursday

To the left
To the left

To the left
To the left

Mmmm to the left
Everything you own in the box to the left
In the closet, thats my stuff
Yes, if I bought it, baby please don't touch (don't touch)

And keep talking that mess, thats fine
Could you walk and talk, at the same time?
And its my name thats on that jag
So go move your bags, let me call you a cab

Standing in the front yard, telling me
How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable

So go ahead and get gone
Call up that chick, and see if shes home
Oops I bet you thought, that I didn't know
What did you think
I was putting you out for?
Because you was untrue
Rolling her around in the car that I bought you
Baby, drop them keys
Hurry up, before your taxi leaves

Standing in the front yard, telling me
How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable

So since I'm not your everything
How about I'll be nothing? nothing at all to you (nothing, nothing)
Baby I won't shed a tear for you (I won't shed a tear for you)
I won't lose a wink of sleep (a wink of sleep)
Cause the truth of the matter is (truth is)
Replacing you is so easy

To the left, to the left
To the left, to the left

Mmmmm
To the left, to the left
Everything you own in the box to the left

To the left, to the left
Don't you ever for a second get to thinking
You're irreplaceable

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' (baby! hey yea)

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

You can pack all your bags we're finished
Cause you made your bed now lay in it
I could have another you by tomorrow
Don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable

You know what, if you really want the the truth, I'll tell you. I don't want to trust you and then find out I shouldn't have, to find out things I didn't want to believe were true because I wanted to have faith in you so much that I didn't want to see what was right in front of me. Yes, I realize you haven't actually "done" anything to warrant me being distrustful towards you, but I think what you said is enough for anyone to be suspicious. You would think so too if I had said the same to you, and you know it. I love you pretty much no matter what you do, and I think you've been taking advantage of that fact. You haven't been treating me as good as you used to when all I've been trying to do is be a better girlfriend for you and try to hold my tongue. I don't think it's fair for you to act the way you have been and do what you did and expect me to be ok with it because I would never expect that from you. If you think you can find someone else that's better for you then me, then please do so, but don't think for a second that I'll wait for you to quit being selfish because I won't. If you don't want to spend your life with me, then I guess that's your loss. I've never told you anything that wasn't true about what I want, and I still want it all, but if you don't want those things with me then I can't make you want them, as much as I wish I could. Your committment issues aren't about me, because I don't want to be with anyone else and you know that, but for some reason you have those issues and you won't let me help you with them. I'm trying to understand where you're coming from, but I don't, because you're the one that made me realize there was no one else for me when you said you wanted to be with me forever. Why you're suddenly doubting that I'll never understand, but I don't like being surrounded by doubt when I thought everything was certain and we both wanted the same things. I love you, but you make me feel like shit when you talk like that. I would really like you to stop being so selfish and actually listen when I try to explain what you're doing to me by treating me this way, because if you really do love me, you won't do this to me anymore.

Ashley screamed @ 12:09 am

November 22, 2006 Wednesday

I was told that I have to update. Here I am, updating.
I got accepted to both Penn State and Lock Haven. All that's left for me now is to figure out which one I want to go to and apply for scholarships and all that jazz. Lock Haven would be much cheaper, even when I have to go to main. Lock Haven Main is cheaper than Penn State DuBois. This is a major factor in my decision-making process, seeing that I'm going to paying for this, and then medical school, and who knows what else.
I don't know. Sometimes, I wonder... and I wish I didn't have to.

Ashley screamed @ 9:04 pm

October 15, 2006 Monday

It has just occured to me that it's been 10 days since I last updated. I don't know why it's been so long; I have plenty of things to comment on or complain about. I suppose my first rant topic should be, let's say, "mature" women. Why do some "mature" women feel the need to take "sexy" pictures? I don't understand it. If you're over 40, you no longer qualify as a camera whore. You qualify for one of those black "over the hill" birthday of death cakes, but unfortunately are disqualified from sexy picture category. This is especially true when these so-called "mature" women take close-ups that show every little line and wrinkle. Trust me, people can tell you're no longer in the first bloom of youth when you look more like and old cow that needs put out to pasture.
I guess my next rant topic would be the issue of tolerance. Not even acceptance, just general tolerance. Why is it that some people have such a hard time simply tolerating other human beings? I'll never understand the purpose of such hatred towards other people, just because they're a bit different than others. This is, of course leading to the issue of gay rights and most importantly, gay marriage. I don't and never really have understood why gay couples can't get married like every other couple in America. Gays in America are still American citizens and should be awarded the same basic rights as every other American citizen. They're still people. I don't think enough people understand that gay people are still people, and they have lives and jobs and families just like everyone else. Gays pay taxes, own houses, drive cars, and have bills to pay just like any other person living in America. If gay Americans are still American citizens, why are their rights being restricted when it comes to marriage? If I want to get married, I have to go to Canada and submit myself to a lengthy process of obtaining a marriage license. After that I have to worry about whether or not this marriage will affect my taxes, my financial aid, or my health insurance. There are so many other things to think about because a bunch of stuffy American assholes can't see it fit to grant the same rights of all heterosexual Americans to all homosexual Americans. The argument that gay marriage would ruin the family structure and would lead to gay couples adopting children and screwing them up isn't even an acceptable argument. The sexual orientation of your parents isn't the screw-up factor for kids, it's how the parents interact and how they treat each other as well as their kids. I know of plenty screwed-up "straight" families, and they aren't screwed-up because the parents are straight. Every family is different, every situation is different. Heterosexual couples are never denied marriage because it might not work out, or their kids might have problems one day because they get divorced or have issues with infidelity. No no, that's not in the spotlight. The spotlight is on gay couples and whether or not they should be allowed to be able to get married to the person they love because the rest of uptight American can't handle the thought of Steve and Tom holding hands or Kayla and Abby kissing. Get over it already. I'm not going to hold my breath for the day that I can live the way I want to with the person I love, because I doubt it will happen in my lifetime. Fuck it, I'm moving to Canada.

Ashley screamed @ 9:04 pm

October 5, 2006 Thursday

Women over 40 should NOT try to be camera whores. It is just WRONG when someone tries to take a sexy picture and ends up looking like a cradle-robbing pervert. IT MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT.
I have to call my new boss and tell her I can start on Tuesday. I'm pretty pumped about it, even though Kyleigh will miss me. I'm sure Jon will miss me too. I know where he lives, so it's not like I'm not going to ever see him again. I'll make it a point to visit him at least once a week. If I don't visit him, I'll be depressed as hell. Kyleigh, well, we're going to live together in a few months, and we're still going to see each other, so she won't miss me as much. I kind of feel bad about leaving, but at the same time I don't because I'm going to make a lot more money and the work is way easier. Plus I can work there while I'm going to college in DuBois, which will be really nice for me.

Ashley screamed @ 6:14 pm

September 27, 2006 Wednesday

I'm bored. And really really tired. I seem to get tired at odd times lately; it's really quite strange. I don't like it because I feel miserable and I don't want to act like a zombie all the time because I'm constantly exhausted. I don't really know what to do for it other than try to get more sleep, which doesn't seem to be working out right now because all I seem to be getting is night hours instead of the day hours I was promised. It's quite irritating really. This weekend should be interesting. I will, hopefully, have some surprising news next week. It's a good surprise for me, bad surprise for others. Penn State has all my stuff for my application, so hopefully I'll hear back from them within the next month. I really, really hope I get accepted. I don't see why I wouldn't get accepted, but you never know. I need to start working on my scholarships and other financial aid; I have two books sitting here waiting to be read on financial aid and scholarships. I also have a book to help me prepare for the AP Psychology test in May. I have to get a 5 in order to get credit. A 5! I can't believe it. I'm going to have to really prepare for it so I don't bomb it like the history one. It was terrible.
I think Kyleigh should apply for a job at Sheetz. I think she'll be able to get a job there more easily than she will at Wal-Mart or Lowe's. They pay pretty good too. But she won't take my advice. Heaven forbid she listen to me, just once. I told her after the little hair dye fiasco that she should listen to me, but noooo.

Ashley screamed @ 9:01 pm

September 18, 2006 Monday

I hate it when I'm left in the dark about things. I absolutely hate it. I can't stand it when things are left up in the air and there aren't any defined plans on the horizon. I don't understand how people can live without sorting things out and planning for things because godammit I need to plan, and organize, and be anal about certain things. I don't have a choice in the matter, I just have to have my life organized or everything goes apeshit. My books have to be organized a certain way, my clothes have specific drawers that they have to be in, and my college stuff is divided into categories. I must have order.
I cleaned out my car yesterday and then got some ice cream with Ky. Then I came home and cleaned my room and did some laundry. Jon dropped his cell phone in the toilet! HA! And it still works. How fucked-up is that?
School is ok. It isn't great, but it isn't spectacular either. Shawna, Amy, and I wrote a great story in English today about a bisexual woman, her transsexual husband, and their quintuplets. I really hope Mrs. Meckey has a sick sense of humor underneath her teacher exterior or we're in trouble.

Ashley screamed @ 10:35 pm

September 9, 2006 Saturday

Happy ONE YEAR Kyleigh! I love you.

Ashley screamed @ 11:59 pm

September 6, 2006 Wednesday

Oh my. School is so incredibly boring. I had to write an essay on a person who has had a significant impact on my life. I guess she isn't "satisfied" with where we are with the essays right now. Ok, this is a very personal essay for me, and she thinks she can correct it in some way? I don't really see how that makes sense, considering the fact that my sentence structure and grammar are damn near perfect as far as the essay is concerned. It's almost like our experiences are ok as long as they fit her needs. I don't really understand where she's coming from on the whole correction thing. All of our teachers last year had a different format for how they wanted our essays to be; one teacher wanted works cited this way, the other wanted citations in the body of the paper that way, and the list goes on and on. Give me a damn break.
Saturday marks one year for Kyleigh and I. It's very exciting for me. This means, of course, that we only have about 5 months before we move in together. I have soooooo much stuff to do before then; if I think about all of it at one time it feels like my head is going to spin right off my shoulders. I'm looking forward to it, even if it's hard, even if I have to work more. I don't care. Speaking of work, my paychecks should be pretty good. I'm getting around 30 hours a week, give or take a few hours. I got my quarter too. It's still not that much, but it's a little extra, and every little bit counts. I need to put more money in both my bank accounts, especially after paying to get my car fixed. I'm going to get tires at the end of next month, possibly the beginning of November if the weather doesn't turn sour before then. I also have to get the rest of my pictures taken next month, and then I have to pick out the ones I want and pay for them. Ugh, they're going to be expensive. I almost forgot about getting the kittens; they have to be fixed and declawed next month too. Damnit.

Ashley screamed @ 8:39 pm

August 31, 2006 Thursday

School has officially begun. I sat through the first boring-as-hell assembly today, as well as once again hearing the rules of physical education. That totally kicks off the start of the school year. Getting out after 3 periods is very strange. It feels very surreal. I keep wondering when I'll wake up and find it was all a very pleasant dream. I was offered a job at PennDot, but I don't know if I want it or not. I know I'll make more money there but I'm not sure if I want to take it.

Ashley screamed @ 8:52 pm

August 26, 2006 Saturday

Finally got my check card and checks in the mail the other day. I've taken full advantage of being able to order things online and had myself a nice little shopping spree this evening. I really didn't order that much, but I spent over a hundred dollars. It was totally worth it though. Other than getting my card, nothing exciting has happened lately. Kyleigh's talking about getting a second job, which I don't necessarily think is a bad idea, since she's not making that much at the Dutch to begin with, and now she's not going to be getting that many hours. I know I'm going to have to get another job when I turn 18, because hey I don't get paid adequately either. I'm thinking of getting another waitressing job, somewhere where I know I'll get the hours I need and the tips are worth it. I realize $50 in tips is better than nothing, but I know I could be making more somewhere else or at least getting the hours where I am now. Cooking isn't worth it. Money is nice, but it's not going to be enough.

Ashley screamed @ 9:39 pm

August 22, 2006 Tuesday

So don't you ever go away
I could never face
Losing you would kill my faith in a higher place

What kind of world
Would it be without you
I couldn't breathe without you near
What kind of world would I see without you
I can't dream without you here.

So I'm supposed to update. I'm not really sure what to say. School starts in a week. I only have 4 classes a day first semester, and 3 classes second semester, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up dropping the one class. I was also considering dropping sociology fourth period and just leaving after third. I don't need another credit, so I could do it. I don't know if I want to or not though. I wouldn't mind only going 3 periods instead of 4, but I'm not sure. It's too late to fix my schedule now, but I could do it on the first day. I haven't decided yet. It would probably be the easier option, considering the fact that I'll probably have A lunch which will fuck everything up. I don't know yet.
Anniversary is in a little over 2 weeks. One whole year. Wow. And I'm pretty sure I'll be broke after it, at least for a little while. Hopefully not too long. Eh, oh well. I'm having serious problems finding the prom dress I was going to get for next year. Now that I can't find it and I've been looking at it for so long, I don't know if I want that one. I like it a lot, but if I'm going to spend that much on a dress, I would rather wait and get it later so I know it's exactly what I want. Either that or I have one made.

Ashley screamed @ 6:15 pm

August 12, 2006 Saturday

In the velvety darkness of the night, there lies many a shattered dream, as plentiful as the blanket of twinkling stars above. Tears glisten in the moonlight as another dream is ripped from the heart and wails of grief tear through the deceivingly serene silence. There is no hope, only despair. There is only lonliness and the promise of a darker tomorrow.

Sitting here tonight, I don't really know what I'm supposed to say. I'm more worried than I've let on, although I don't know how my worrying is going to do anything either way you look at it. It's not going to change anyone's mind and it's not going to affect anything that's going to happen. I'm not really sure why I bother to say anything because it's like talking to a brick wall. There's no point for me to point out what could possibly happen, just as there's no point for me to cry because I don't know what's going on or what's going to happen. I don't understand what's going to happen and no one knows anything. It's so frustrating for me to know that my relationship has been given a very possible death sentence so close to the one-year mark. The thought of not being touched or kissed for at least 2 months makes me sick and a little suspicious. Yes, I understand the purpose of using an immunomodulater and yes, I understand how they affect the body, but I really, really doubt that the measures that need to be taken are that extreme. Why not just live in a germ-free bubble? Being alive gives you the possibility of becoming sick, being around people makes the odds of getting sick even higher. Unless you're wearing a surgical mask over your mouth and nose, you're exposed to illness no matter what you do. So what's going to happen? Are you going to quit school, quit your job, stay home all the time because you might get sick? It doesn't make that much sense to me, because if your immune system is that vulnerable, it's not worth it. Think about it for a second. It's just not worth it if it's that bad. And if in 10 years, or 15 years, or 20 years, you develop something even worse, like leukemia or lymphoma or something else, would it be worth it? Do the possible positive effects really outweigh the negative ones? I know it doesn't matter what I think or what I say because it's ultimately not my decision, but think about what you want to do before you jump into anything, because as bad as things are now, they could be so much worse. I'm sorry that it makes me angry and irritated but I can't help but worry about what's going to happen when you don't know everything that this entails.

Ashley screamed @ 12:16 am